\n<\/p>\n
When Rebecca Woolf, author of All of This<\/em> and the braid<\/em> on Substack and mother of four, became a widow in her 30s, one feeling struck her as particularly unexpected: desire. Watching her husband lose his life force made her crave the feeling of being alive more than ever. \u201cEighty percent of my readers told me grief makes them horny,\u201d she says. For Woolf, the message was clear: pleasure is not frivolous. It\u2019s living.<\/p>\n Heidi Alexander, a Movement instructor, life coach, and mother of two, says, \u201cMy sexuality is my life force; birthright\u2026 It feeds the cells in my body light and love.\u201d<\/p>\n It\u2019s no secret that society views female desirability as something with an expiration date. For women with children, that desexualization can feel even more abrupt when they are seen as caretakers first, sexual beings second\u2013if at all. However, motherhood and sexuality are not mutually exclusive. Sexual pleasure can be reclaimed at any stage of life. Experts and women alike are finding ways to reconnect with their bodies, desires, and confidence after parenthood.<\/p>\n \u201cA healthy sex life with yourself comes first,\u201d says Woolf. \u201cMasturbation isn\u2019t just a release. It\u2019s a form of self-actualization.\u201d<\/p>\n Self-pleasure is the key to figuring out what works for you and what doesn\u2019t. Our bodies change, whether from age, childbirth, or trauma, and those changes affect how, and if, we feel pleasure. It is essential to discover what pleases you before trying to please others. Many women spend decades performing in the bedroom, prioritizing their partner\u2019s pleasure. Post-parenthood, Woolf says, is an opportunity to stop faking and discover what truly feels good to you.<\/p>\n Beth Goss is a Bringing Baby Home Educator and Training Specialist with the Gottman Institute and a mother of two. The Gottman Institute applies scientific research and therapy techniques to help couples foster intimacy, respect, and understanding. Goss recognizes that discovering what is truly pleasurable for yourself is easier said than done.<\/p>\n While her children are now adults, Goss recalls the early days of motherhood. New mothers hardly have the time to get dressed or check their email, let alone masturbate. She recommends taking any moment to be with yourself. It might be something as simple as washing your face and realizing no one in the house is screaming. \u201cTake that time to wash your face slowly. Be intentional and notice how you feel,\u201d she says. \u201cGet back in touch with your own body before continuing intimacy with another person.\u201d<\/p>\n Even if you are self-aware, that is not a guarantee that your confidence will return overnight. Hormonal changes, fatigue, and stress can leave new mothers feeling disconnected from their own sexuality.<\/p>\n \u201cYou go from being somebody\u2019s daughter to being somebody\u2019s mother. That shift is disorienting,\u201d Goss says. \u201cIt\u2019s hard to feel sexy when you\u2019re covered in milk, pee, spit-up, and have two hours before the cycle starts again.\u201d<\/p>\n Woolf recommends easing in. Not comfortable being totally naked with a partner again? Wear a bra in bed. \u201cEase back in at your own pace. Give yourself grace. And eventually, you will recognize your f*ckability.\u201d<\/p>\n Pleasure is as much physical as it is psychological. Alexander sees many new mothers struggle with feeling disconnected from their bodies. She recommends starting small. Breathwork and movement practices, such as Pilates, are a great first step.<\/p>\n \u201cPelvic floor practices and movement can help women rebuild strength and sensation,\u201d Alexander says. \u201cThe more present you are in your body, the more you are going to feel. The more you can feel, the more pleasure you are going to have,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n Emerson College junior Isabella Siebold, who studies Relationship Psychology through Film, recommends a simple practice of saying \u201cI am beautiful\u201d to yourself in the morning for one week. \u201cAfter that time, see if you notice a difference in your confidence,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n Alexander also coaches women through the use of tools like yoni eggs, which activate pelvic floor muscles and can enhance sexual pleasure. On Zoom workshops, Alexander walks an intimate group of women (cameras off) through the 4,000-year-old practice. They begin by self-pleasuring. \u201cPut your hand over your [vagina] and ask her, does she want to work with the egg?\u201d Alexander tells her clients. \u201cIf the answer is no, put [the egg] down and take a break, or masturbate without it.\u201d<\/p>\n The key to the exercise is learning to listen to whether your body is a \u2018yes\u2019 or a \u2018no\u2019. So many times in life, we allow things to be pushed into us\u2013literally and metaphorically\u2014without thinking if it\u2019s something we really want. The yoni egg practice helps rewire a woman\u2019s brain not to say \u201cYes\u201d automatically. It is also a method of \u201cCultivating sexuality for vitality, beauty, longevity and magnetism, as well as for overall pelvic health,\u201d says Alexander.<\/p>\n Through the use of a yoni egg or a similar apparatus, you can locate your cervix and get to know your own body. You can even learn to circulate sexual energy and prolong orgasms.<\/p>\n While today\u2019s society is witnessing a shift away from traditional gender roles (see sidebar), most women are still responsible for running the home. Although they can, and do, delegate tasks, Gottman Educator Goss says that women are often in need of more. \u201cWomen don\u2019t want to delegate. They want their partner involved enough that they can just know what needs to be done,\u201d says Goss. \u201cThat itself is a form of foreplay,\u201d she says. Establish your limitations early on and do not be afraid to ask for help.<\/p>\n Women can and should feel empowered to say \u201cI want this\u2026\u201d or \u201cI definitely don\u2019t want that,\u201d to experiment with what feels right without shame.<\/p>\n \u201cIf you don\u2019t know what you want or how to ask for it, you are not ready,\u201d says Woolf. Don\u2019t put pleasure before someone else\u2019s comfort.<\/p>\n Goss recognizes that a lot of women are \u201ctouched out\u201d shortly after having a child. Luckily, intimacy comes in many forms. \u201cFor a lot of women, they need to feel an emotional connection before moving on to the sexual piece of a relationship,\u201d she says. \u201cThe focus should be on friendship and being comfortable with your partner [or prospective partner]\u2026 Having rituals of connection that aren\u2019t sexual.\u201d That could be a kiss every night before bed, holding hands while watching trash TV, or your partner unloading the dishwasher without asking. Gottman refers to this practice as \u201cSmall things often.\u201d<\/p>\n Movement instructor Alexander agrees, adding that foreplay often begins far earlier than most people realize. \u201cIt starts in the morning over coffee,\u201d she says. Those tiny moments \u2013 a touch, a simple favor, a compliment \u2013 not only help women feel emotionally satisfied but can also rebuild confidence and naturally rekindle desire.<\/p>\n Reclaiming pleasure after having a child isn\u2019t about returning to who you were before birth. Instead, it\u2019s about embracing your new self. That may look like a short pilates routine, rediscovering your body through masturbation, or telling yourself you are beautiful every day. Whatever form it takes, seeking pleasure isn\u2019t selfish. It\u2019s the ultimate form of self-love.<\/p>\n In recent years, experts have observed a trend of women rejecting traditional gender roles and relationships. \u201cI know a lot of women without partners in their 30s\u2026 who are choosing not to settle for a relationship that doesn\u2019t serve them,\u201d says Goss. \u201cI think it stems from how we were parented and our parents\u2019 relationships, and deciding whether that\u2019s something we want to repeat or do differently.\u201d<\/p>\n Junior Relationship Psychology through Film major Isabella Siebold says, \u201cWhen I tell people I don\u2019t want kids, I always hear, \u2018You\u2019ll meet someone who will change your mind!\u2019 What if I just don\u2019t want kids?\u201d<\/p>\n To that, writer, speaker, and mother of four Rebecca Woolf says there is no one right path. \u201cIt\u2019s an exciting time to be a woman of any age.\u201d We see this shift away from settling, away from saying yes to something as major as having kids just because it\u2019s what we\u2019re told to do, and even away from monogamy.<\/p>\n \u201cMonogamy can be exhausting,\u201d says Woolf. \u201c[There is] nothing less sexy than carrying the burden in bed, in the home, and at work.\u201d It can leave women feeling invalidated and unseen. We spend so much time figuring out what feels good for our partner, we neglect ourselves. \u201cInstead of continuing to perform, figure out what works for you,\u201d says Woolf. Reclaiming pleasure can mean expanding the menu of possibilities. Whether you are looking to spice up your relationship or are newly single, \u201cNothing is off the table,\u201d she says. \u201cRelationships, like sexuality, exist on a sliding scale.\u201d<\/p>\n<\/p><\/div>\nStart with yourself.<\/h2>\n
Allow yourself to feel insecure.<\/h2>\n
Reconnect with your body and your mind.<\/h2>\n
Advocate and experiment.<\/h2>\n
It\u2019s okay not to be ready.<\/h2>\n
Sidebar: Nothing is Off the Table.<\/h2>\n