As I\u2019ve stated in many blog posts, the rumination on \u201cenough\u201d is often a projection of one\u2019s own sense of inadequacy, an outward focus on the inner shame of, \u201cAm I enough?\u201d It\u2019s also a protection against the risk of loving: If we convince ourselves that our partner isn\u2019t enough, we don\u2019t have to take the risk of love.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n But when we put fear, shame, and relationship anxiety aside, we\u2019re left with a valid question: what is<\/em> enough in romantic love? In other words, since we\u2019re not going to match with everyone, how do we determine if we\u2019re with a well-matched partner, someone with whom we can build a fulfilling relationship for years to come?\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n To respond to this question, I\u2019m going to reference two blog posts.<\/p>\n The first is called\u00a0Can I Make it Work with Anyone?<\/em>, which you can find here. I originally wrote the post in 2013 and updated it in 2024 with the following preamble:<\/p>\n When people find their way to my work, they sometimes wonder if my intention is to convince people to stay with someone with whom they\u2019re not well-matched. It\u2019s an understandable question, as I do believe that the mainstream messages about \u201cthe one\u201d and being \u201cmadly in love\u201d and having zero doubt encourage people to leave solid, loving, well-matched relationships far too often. <\/em><\/p>\n However, that doesn\u2019t mean that you can make it work with anyone, nor should you stay with someone with whom you\u2019re not well-matched. As I explain in the post below, there is an element of relationship that hinges on \u00a0connection. Like attraction, connection can be grown, and, as I explain in this post, there are many reasons why connection might be occluded. <\/em><\/p>\n But, at the end of the day, underneath fear, we must have a basic foundation of friendship, a sense of home, shared core values, and the feeling of truly liking of one another in order to keep going with the tough work of love. With these elements in place, and a desire in both people to learn about love through the vessel of the relationship, we can work through almost anything and there\u2019s no reason to walk away.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n The second post I\u2019ll direct you to is called \u201cThe Unsung Ingredient of a Healthy Relationship.\u201d Bonus points if you can guess what the \u201cunsung ingredient\u201d is before reading the post! And here I\u2019ll highlight the comments section, which always offers illumination and validation on these sticky topics.<\/p>\n Anne<\/b> on November 1, 2015<\/p>\n Prior to marrying my husband, I worried if I was attracted to him \u201cenough\u201d because I didn\u2019t feel those fireworks I felt with guys who were all wrong for me. Being with my husband felt like (and still feels like) my favorite cozy pair of sweat pants \u2013 comforting, warm, soothing, and familiar. I told a good friend after the first date that I thought my husband and I would end up being \u201cjust\u201d friends, and her reply was, \u201cSo you\u2019re going to marry him. You\u2019ve been on a string of Match.com dates and you\u2019ve never said you want to be friends with the other men.\u201d She was right and so are you. \ud83d\ude42<\/p>\n Julia<\/b> on November 1, 2015<\/p>\n Hi Sheryl! What a lovely post! I\u2019ve been reading you for years and read your book and took your e-course. And this past June I got married \u2013 happily and with a wide open heart \ud83d\ude42 I\u2019m 52 years old and this was my first marriage. Prior, I had many distorted beliefs including misconceptions of love and marriage. Many of your posts helped me, and I\u2019ve learned to transition more easily over the years. We both really enjoy our friendship \u2013 and it\u2019s the foundation. Thank you!<\/p>\n \u00a0<\/p>\n The caveat to having \u201cenough\u201d is if there are true red flags. You can have connection and friendship, and still struggle with areas that would make a loving, long-term relationship very challenging. I\u2019ve written at length about red flags, including here and in the course.<\/p>\n Here\u2019s a comment that points to potential red flags:<\/p>\n Michelle<\/b> on November 2, 2015<\/p>\n Hi Sheryl, \u00a0<\/p>\n I hope this post elucidates what is \u201cenough\u201d in romantic love. As always, I\u2019d love to hear from you in the comments.<\/p>\n![\"\"](\"https:\/\/conscious-transitions.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2022\/04\/IMG_9004-225x300.jpg\")
At the core of relationship anxiety is the doubt about enough<\/em>:<\/p>\n\n
Can I Make it Work With Anyone?<\/strong><\/h4>\n
The Unsung Ingredient of a Healthy Relationship<\/strong><\/h4>\n
When There are Red Flags<\/strong><\/h4>\n
I have a lot of anxiety about my relationship and am considering doing your course. I see a therapist already too. I got divorced and jumped into my current relationship soon after. He drinks every day and isn\u2019t responsible with money. We are great friends a lot of the time but both go through so many ups and downs and don\u2019t seem to connect well half of the time. I constantly feel like ending it, although he is the only man who has listened, related and cared deeply for me, and I don\u2019t want to hurt him. I\u2019m at a loss of what to do and over think every move I make, causing daily stress headaches. I would really appreciate your advice.<\/p>\n\n
In your case, it may be that your anxiety is alerting you to a real problem (as opposed to an offshoot of your own need to turn inward; although it may be that as well) as you\u2019re describing one and possibly two red flag issues with the daily drinking and the money problems. Is your partner open to couples\u2019 therapy, or therapy on his own?<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n