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In his mind, Randy couldn\u2019t win.<\/p>\n
It seemed to him that in his marriage of 15 years, his wife had always had the attitude of \u201cit\u2019s my way or the highway.\u201d<\/p>\n
He felt like he had to \u201cgo along\u201d with her to keep what little peace there was in their marriage.<\/p>\n
Spending as much of the time as possible working on his old Chevy Nova, he knew he was avoiding another confrontation with her and the possibility of a huge blow up\u2026<\/p>\n
But he didn\u2019t know what else to do.<\/p>\n
He didn\u2019t want to spend his vacation again visiting her relatives like they did every year\u2026<\/p>\n
And every time his wife started telling him about her plans for the coming summer\u2019s vacation, he found himself getting angry because he couldn\u2019t seem to get the words out to object.<\/p>\n
In desperation, he contacted us for a coaching conversation about how to \u201cconfront\u201d her with his truth.<\/p>\n
As we talked, here\u2019s some of what he realized about confrontations and conversations\u2026<\/strong><\/p>\n 1. Approach it as a sharing and a conversation not a confrontation<\/strong><\/p>\n When you think you have to confront someone else with your truth, that\u2019s what you get\u2026<\/p>\n A confrontation\u2013along with tightness and defense, void of connection.<\/p>\n You are imagining a terrible outcome before you even start!<\/p>\n Now, your experience might tell you that this person won\u2019t listen to you\u2026<\/p>\n And that may be true\u2026<\/p>\n But what we know for sure is that if you tighten yourself to confront someone, they WON\u2019T listen.<\/strong><\/p>\n They\u2019ll be too busy defending their point of view.<\/p>\n Randy saw that in his thinking, he approached any discussion with his wife as a confrontation and a possible argument.<\/p>\n He could see that his mind was already poised and ready for a fight before it even happened and all he could do was retreat.<\/p>\n He saw a glimmer of hope that maybe he didn\u2019t have to go that route.<\/p>\n He could have a conversation instead.<\/p>\n 2. Notice what\u2019s happening inside you<\/strong><\/p>\n When you notice you\u2019re preparing to \u201cconfront\u201d another person, it can be helpful to switch your attention to inside you.<\/p>\n Notice if you puff yourself up or if you shrink down\u2013and you may do both.<\/p>\n We\u2019ve certainly done both in the past!<\/p>\n When you feel like you have to puff yourself up to get heard, you come off as superior and demanding\u2026<\/p>\n Upping the level of resistance for both of you.<\/p>\n When you shrink or attempt to disappear, you have the illusion that that will keep you safe.<\/p>\n And it\u2019s usually frustrating for the other person.<\/p>\n While it may have served you when you were a child, it won\u2019t serve you in your relationships today.<\/p>\n As we talked, Randy saw that he did both\u2013that he mainly would shrink himself down\u2026<\/p>\n But at times, he could see that he puffed himself up and let his anger fly, usually over small things like a misplaced screw driver in the garage.<\/p>\n He could see that both shrinking and puffing himself were strategies he unconsciously used to get his needs met\u2026<\/p>\n But they weren\u2019t working and certainly didn\u2019t help him connect with his wife.<\/p>\n 3. Invite a conversation and listen as well as share<\/strong><\/p>\n When you invite the other person to a conversation rather than having a \u201cconfrontation\u201d\u2026<\/p>\n There\u2019s a possibility that a more co-operative feeling can be generated between the two of you.<\/p>\n When you invite the other person to sharing their truth with you truly listening and you share yours\u2026<\/p>\n It\u2019s more possible that a solution emerges that couldn\u2019t happen during a \u201cconfrontation.\u201d<\/p>\n Randy could see the wisdom in this and the next week, he invited his wife to a discussion to talk about their vacation.<\/p>\n He said, \u201cI\u2019d like to talk about how I see our vacation happening this year and I want to know how you see it.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n He truly listened to her and heard how important it was to her to connect with her family.<\/p>\n He acknowledged that he knew how important it was for her and that for him, it was also important to have a few days at the beach to really relax.<\/p>\n He didn\u2019t \u201cbite the hook\u201d (as Buddhist nun Pema Chodron called it) when she started to get mad but just stayed with the conversation\u2026<\/p>\n Steering it back to how they could make this vacation work for both of them.<\/p>\n By coming back to the present moment and possibilities when he felt himself getting angry or having the urge to leave\u2026<\/p>\n He was able to open to some new ideas.<\/p>\n As a result, they came up with a plan that satisfied them both.<\/p>\n