What is “Enough” in Romantic Love?

At the core of relationship anxiety is the doubt about enough:

Is my partner attractive enough?
Am I in love enough?
Do we have enough intellectual stimulation?
Is there enough emotional connection?
Are they social enough?

As I’ve stated in many blog posts, the rumination on “enough” is often a projection of one’s own sense of inadequacy, an outward focus on the inner shame of, “Am I enough?” It’s also a protection against the risk of loving: If we convince ourselves that our partner isn’t enough, we don’t have to take the risk of love.

But when we put fear, shame, and relationship anxiety aside, we’re left with a valid question: what is enough in romantic love? In other words, since we’re not going to match with everyone, how do we determine if we’re with a well-matched partner, someone with whom we can build a fulfilling relationship for years to come?

Can I Make it Work With Anyone?

To respond to this question, I’m going to reference two blog posts.

The first is called Can I Make it Work with Anyone?, which you can find here. I originally wrote the post in 2013 and updated it in 2024 with the following preamble:

When people find their way to my work, they sometimes wonder if my intention is to convince people to stay with someone with whom they’re not well-matched. It’s an understandable question, as I do believe that the mainstream messages about “the one” and being “madly in love” and having zero doubt encourage people to leave solid, loving, well-matched relationships far too often.

However, that doesn’t mean that you can make it work with anyone, nor should you stay with someone with whom you’re not well-matched. As I explain in the post below, there is an element of relationship that hinges on connection. Like attraction, connection can be grown, and, as I explain in this post, there are many reasons why connection might be occluded.

But, at the end of the day, underneath fear, we must have a basic foundation of friendship, a sense of home, shared core values, and the feeling of truly liking of one another in order to keep going with the tough work of love. With these elements in place, and a desire in both people to learn about love through the vessel of the relationship, we can work through almost anything and there’s no reason to walk away.

The Unsung Ingredient of a Healthy Relationship

The second post I’ll direct you to is called “The Unsung Ingredient of a Healthy Relationship.” Bonus points if you can guess what the “unsung ingredient” is before reading the post! And here I’ll highlight the comments section, which always offers illumination and validation on these sticky topics.

Anne on November 1, 2015

Prior to marrying my husband, I worried if I was attracted to him “enough” because I didn’t feel those fireworks I felt with guys who were all wrong for me. Being with my husband felt like (and still feels like) my favorite cozy pair of sweat pants – comforting, warm, soothing, and familiar. I told a good friend after the first date that I thought my husband and I would end up being “just” friends, and her reply was, “So you’re going to marry him. You’ve been on a string of Match.com dates and you’ve never said you want to be friends with the other men.” She was right and so are you. 🙂

Julia on November 1, 2015

Hi Sheryl! What a lovely post! I’ve been reading you for years and read your book and took your e-course. And this past June I got married – happily and with a wide open heart 🙂 I’m 52 years old and this was my first marriage. Prior, I had many distorted beliefs including misconceptions of love and marriage. Many of your posts helped me, and I’ve learned to transition more easily over the years. We both really enjoy our friendship – and it’s the foundation. Thank you!

When There are Red Flags

The caveat to having “enough” is if there are true red flags. You can have connection and friendship, and still struggle with areas that would make a loving, long-term relationship very challenging. I’ve written at length about red flags, including here and in the course.

Here’s a comment that points to potential red flags:

Michelle on November 2, 2015

Hi Sheryl,
I have a lot of anxiety about my relationship and am considering doing your course. I see a therapist already too. I got divorced and jumped into my current relationship soon after. He drinks every day and isn’t responsible with money. We are great friends a lot of the time but both go through so many ups and downs and don’t seem to connect well half of the time. I constantly feel like ending it, although he is the only man who has listened, related and cared deeply for me, and I don’t want to hurt him. I’m at a loss of what to do and over think every move I make, causing daily stress headaches. I would really appreciate your advice.

Sheryl Paul on November 2, 2015
In your case, it may be that your anxiety is alerting you to a real problem (as opposed to an offshoot of your own need to turn inward; although it may be that as well) as you’re describing one and possibly two red flag issues with the daily drinking and the money problems. Is your partner open to couples’ therapy, or therapy on his own?

I hope this post elucidates what is “enough” in romantic love. As always, I’d love to hear from you in the comments.