An Essential Quality for Healthy Relationships

One of the basic precepts of both psychological and spiritual work is that in order to experience healthy union we must first experience separation. Just as we had to be expelled from the mythic Garden of Eden to know ourselves as separate from the divine before reaching back toward sacred connection, so we must separate from our family of origin, often during adolescence and throughout our twenties, before returning to the family as an adult. We also must trust that we can exist separately from our partner before stepping into the next level of closeness.

These processes of separation and union don’t happen linearly; in one sense we’re always separating and returning throughout our lives in all of our relationships. But for relationships to feel safe, we must allow for these processes of separateness and togetherness. Understanding the need for both autonomy and closeness is essential for a relationship to thrive.

Beyond Adolescent Love

One of the reasons why adolescent love is so compelling is that it depends on two half-formed people merging into a perceived state of perfect union where they don’t know where one ends and the other begins. As we all seek oneness as a way to alleviate the existential loneliness of being human, we can see why this model of love is so seductive. But it doesn’t work. Despite the claims from Disney and Hollywood that we can find our “perfect other” and “other half”, a relationship built on half-formed people is destined to crumble eventually.

This isn’t to say that we have to be fully formed before we partner with another, as some common pop psychology messages espouse (The message of “you have to love yourself before you can be loved by someone else” simply isn’t true.) Just as we don’t have to experience total maturity before becoming a parent, so we don’t have to experience complete self-love before joining with another. Not only are these messages untrue, they’re also dangerous, for it takes a lifetime to move towards completion, and part of how we grow is by being in relationship with others.

The Two Most Common Fears in Romantic Love

Delving down a bit deeper, we can explore the two most common fears in romantic love – the fear of engulfment (loss of self) and the fear of abandonment (loss of other) – through the lens of separation and union.

In every relationship, we have a need for autonomy. We need to know that we can be fully ourselves, express our opinions, and pursue our goals and dreams. Even in the closest relationships, a healthy person will need solitude, and if their partner doesn’t respect their need to be alone, the fear of engulfment will show up.

We also have a need for closeness. We need to know that our partner will be there for us when we need them, will follow through on their word, and is committed to growing emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy throughout a lifetime. If our partner retreats or withdraws too often, the fear of abandonment will be triggered.

These primal needs are amplified by our early experiences around separateness and union with caregivers.

Respecting Separateness Reduces the Fear of Engulfment

If you grew up with parents who respected your separateness and autonomy, the fear of engulfment (loss of self) will be quieter. In your early years, this would have looked like:

You were allowed and encouraged to have different political, religious, and social beliefs than your parents.
You were allowed and encouraged to follow your own interests and passions.
Your boundaries were respected, including your need for privacy. You weren’t expected to share all (or any) of your innermost thoughts, you had friends that your parents didn’t know about, and if you kept a journal or diary you trusted that it wouldn’t be read.
You were allowed to say NO, and your no was respected.
You grew up in an environment of explicit consent around your body and your emotions. If you didn’t want to be touched or held, that was honored.

In other words, you were encouraged to be fully you, not a carbon-copy of your parents or a vessel into which their unlived lives were poured.

Healthy Attachment Reduces the Fear of Abandonment

If you grew up with parents who attended to your emotional life and were healthfully attached, meeting your emotional needs as best they could, the fear of abandonment (loss of other) will be quieter. In your early years, this would have looked like:

Attending to your cries as a baby and toddler.
Holding you when you needed to be held.
Keeping their word. Showing up when they said they would show up. Communicating clearly.
Your parents apologized when they lost their temper or messed up. They didn’t make you responsible for their moments of emotional dysregulation.
If there was a divorce or death, you were offered therapeutic support to help you make sense of the loss.

In other words, you trusted that the adults in your life were available and you weren’t left to try to navigate the small and big emotions of life alone.

The Father Wound and Mother Wound

There’s a direct correlation between these two primary fears and the mother wound. (There’s a direct correlation to the father wound as well, but that’s a subject for another time. If you struggle with a father wound, I recommend listening to this Gathering Gold episode.) One of the primary hallmarks of this wound is a mother with porous boundaries who fails to understand where she ends and her daughter begins. In the absence of respecting her daughter’s autonomy, the daughter will likely grow up with a fear of engulfment.

At the same time, because wounded mothers often reject and abandon their daughters when they express a difference of opinion or attempt to assert their separateness, these daughters often grow up with a fear of abandonment.

As such, a mother wound often causes a double-whammy of both the fear of engulfment and the fear of abandonment.

The Gift of Healing

The good news is that what has been damaged can be healed, and one of the most healable wounds is the mother wound. When you heal from the mother wound – or any wound where your separateness wasn’t honored – you reclaim your true voice and learn how to communicate your needs and boundaries skillfully. When you trust that your separateness will be honored, the walls we erect to protect autonomy soften and you can move toward more closeness. In this sense, the mother wound can also be a root cause of relationship anxiety.

If you’re ready to receive the roadmap that will help you heal the mother wound, please join the 5th round of Healing the Mother Wound: A 40 day course for daughters. I will be capping the course to make sure that I can connect with you both on the Zoom calls and the forum, so if you’re ready to delve into this wound with gentleness, guidance, and community, I encourage you to join. The course will begin on Saturday, April 25th, 2026 and I will not be offering it again until 2028. I look forward to meeting you there.