I want to share a little-known secret with you, one that you would never surmise if you derived the majority of your sex education from pop culture:
There’s more to sex than orgasms.
Shocking, I know.
This statement flies in the face of the hierarchal model of sex we’ve all been handed that goes like this:
Kiss, touch breasts, touch genitals, oral sex, penetration, simultaneous orgasms.
In childhood terms this was:
Kiss (mouth closed), French kiss (too much tongue), first base (touching boobs), second base (touching genitals), oral, vaginal penetration, simultaneous orgasms.
I’m sharing the childhood version to elucidate how early in life this model is transmitted. The basic message is: sex is a stepping stone that begins with a kiss and ends with orgasms.
But why? Who invented this limited idea? (The same person who invented the restrictive, cookie-cutter educational model, perhaps?!? Just kidding… :)).
The Reality of Sex
The reality of sex is quite different:
- Some people don’t enjoy kissing.
- The vast majority of women can’t reach orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone.
- A complete sexual act can be just touching. No orgasms. No penetration.
- Some people enjoy oral sex. Others don’t.
- Some people enjoy receiving oral sex but not giving it. Some people enjoy giving oral sex but not receiving it.
- Eye-gazing can be more intimate than penetration.
- 80% of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm.
- On average it takes a woman 14 minutes to reach orgasm.
The problem with the hierarchal model is that if the big bang of the orgasms doesn’t happen, one or both partners are left feeling like something is missing. If you’re a sensitive male and your female partner doesn’t orgasm but you do, you’re left feeling like a selfish lover. (God bless the sensitive males who want equality in their sex life.) If you’re female and you can’t reach orgasm through intercourse, you’re often left feeling like you’re not a good lover, or like there’s something wrong with you.
On some level, you’re both left wondering: Why doesn’t our sex life follow the Hollywood script?
The short answer is: Hollywood is bing-bang-boom, which means they aren’t going to waste 14 minutes of a film to show the actual time it takes for a woman to orgasm.
Also, historically most films have been written, directed, and produced by men. Hence. they conform to the male gaze and fantasy that women come in 5 minutes from intercourse alone.
The end result: a lot of women feel shame about their bodies and their sexuality.
Healing the Shame and Reclaiming Our Sexuality
It’s time to change the narrative and heal our shame so that we can reclaim our sexuality. One positive aspect of the internet and social media is that there are many people out there who are busting these pervasive and pernicious myths and replacing them with the truth. One of my favorites is a woman named Lauren Fogel Mersy, who co-wrote a book called Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.
Here the authors share an alternative to the Sexual Staircase model (starting with kissing or touching and ending with penetration and orgasms) called the Wheel Model. In this model the ways of connecting sexually are not hierarchal, like stairs, but are all of equal value, like a wheel. The new model includes other ways of intimately connecting, like showing together, using a sex toy, cuddling, massaging, and spooning.
But it’s not only the Sexual Staircase model that creates shame. We’re injected with shame about our bodies from nearly the moment we’re born, told from the beginning that we’re too big or small, too tall or too short, our hair or skin isn’t quite right, and certainly our sexuality is wrong.
We’re taught that our genitals smell bad, that any ounce of fat is disgusting but being too skinny isn’t sexy, our breasts are too large or too small or misshapen in some way.
When healthy sexuality depends on openness, it’s a wonder that any of us can enjoy sex at all, as shame is the fastest way to shut down the channels.
A Roadmap to Freedom
In 2016, I created Sacred Sexuality: A 40-day course to heal body shame and ignite desire. I have since guided hundreds of women through the roadmap that allows them to excavate the roots of shame and gently, with the support of a loving community, return to what is rightfully ours: vibrant, alive, whole sexuality.
As Kimberly from Pasadena shared:
“Your course: it’s the best way to start the morning. It really is a masterpiece. This course, the lessons, the calls helped me find the divine feminine place inside myself that isn’t always accessible in the fast-moving world. I write this with a deep smile of gratitude”
And Georgina from Argentina:
“Thank you, thank you, thank you. I can’t find the words to say what I feel properly because it’s all been so strong and visceral that what I have to say is still at the level of body.”
If you’re ready to receive this roadmap within the vessel of a safe community, please join us for the 10th round of Sacred Sexuality, which will begin on January 31st, 2026. I only run this course live every two years. The live round includes three group coaching calls and the support of a highly moderated forum.
Here are the call times, and if you can’t make the live calls you’ll receive the recording afterwards:
Call 1: Tuesday February 10th at 1:30pm ET / 10:30am PT
Call 2: Monday February 23rd at 12 noon ET / 9am PT
Call 3: Thursday March 5 at 4pm ET / 1pm PT
Feel free to ask any questions in the comments, and I look forward to seeing you there.
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