Among the many skewed messages that our culture disseminates about romantic love, attraction ranks high on the list.
Regarding romantic love, the culture tells us that we each have one soulmate and that we will “just know” when we meet that person (who is more like a unicorn.)
It tells us that meeting this person will rescue us from life’s messiness, that a Prince charming or a magnificent queen is coming to save us from pain, uncertainty, shame, you name it.
It convinces us that when we meet this fabled person, the relationship will play out with ease and without a shred of doubt.
When it comes to attraction, it tells us that physical appearance is the most important element of attraction, that attraction is skin deep, and that it has to do with ephemeral factors like “chemistry” and “pheromones”. We carry an idea that we all have an ideal type, and that if we are not with this type, we will forever spend our lives longing for this ideal.
What the culture fails to tell us is that attraction, like every facet of life, as multi-layered, complex, and mysterious. Embedded inside the mystery we can unpack some elements of attraction that are helpful to learn – and would have been helpful to receive earlier in life – so that we can approach the complexity of attraction armed with some bullet points of truth.
Some Truths about Attraction
Let’s unpack some truths about attraction:
Chemistry is important, but it’s not how the culture defines it. Chemistry is a felt sense of yes, where there is more yes energy than no. Yes is fueled by a spark, which itself is often fueled by some overlap of interests and alignment of core values. This doesn’t mean that you will share every interest nor does it mean that every core value will be aligned. We’re looking for an 80% overlap which, I’m sorry to tell you straight-A students, is actually a lot!
Respect is also another ingredient of attraction. Respecting someone’s character, their integrity, the way they think and the way they listen, the ideas they bring to a conversation, and the way they spend their time often translates into attraction.
Chemistry and respect combine to create connection, which is a cornerstone of attraction.
The bottom line is that the soul of a person is what emanates through their external features. When someone’s inner light shines brightly, it’s reflected on their face and features. This is what we’re attracted to.
It’s Not a Formula
The ingredients that comprise the recipe of attraction will be different for each person. For one person, the most important element might be passion, and I don’t mean that in a sexual way. I mean that the quality that draws you to somebody else is their curiosity about the world and their passion for the things that light them up. For somebody else, the most important element might be a sense of comfort and safety, that place of home that I often talk about.
As most of us are visual beings, you can find someone attractive without being attracted to them. In other words, you can find their features aesthetically pleasing, but you’re not drawn to who they are as a person. I’m sure we’ve all had the experience of finding somebody visually pleasing only to have them open their mouth and be turned off by what comes out of it.
We must also keep in mind that when it comes to romantic love and attraction (and life) we’re not going to get it all: there will always be something that we must throw into the sacrificial fire of saying yes to one person and no to everybody else.
The Myth of a Type
Let’s talk about type.
The culture sends a message that we each have a type, and that if we’re straying from that type, we’re straying from our ideal, which can also be translated as the person we’re meant to be with and will be happiest with.
I understand type as a shorthand for archetype, meaning the inner template of an animus or anima figure that we’re longing to unite with to bring us closer to wholeness. Carl Jung used the terms anima and animus to describe the inner opposite energy of your particular identified gender. If you identify as female, your animus figure will be a masculine figure, and vice versa. If you identify as non-binary, there are updated, post-jungian animix theories emerging that expand the binary model.
We often project this inner longing outwardly onto another person and assume that’s our “type” when, in fact, that image is representative of an inner figure that needs attention. There may be some overlap between an inner archetype and the qualities we’re attracted to in a partner, but those transcend a physical image.
It’s Complicated
Attraction is complicated because human beings are complicated. But it’s made more complicated than it needs to be because our culture fails to teach us the basics of romantic love, instead emphasizing the superficial and ephemeral qualities of attraction.
What has your experience with attraction been?
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