Our wedding anniversary a few years ago. Photo by Asher Finn
A few nights ago at dinner the topic of marriage came up. Our younger son, Asher, having witnessed many couples either struggling or divorced over his sixteen years, said, “Doesn’t seem like there are a lot of happy marriages.” My husband, Daev, and I looked at each other across the table, and I made a dramatic love-sick gesture, fluttering my eyes at him. In classic Daev humor he said, “Cue the music!”
The truth is, we have a truly great marriage. Are we lucky? Well, yes, if you consider how lucky it is to find a wonderful partner amidst the billions of people on this planet.
But neither of us contribute the success of our marriage to luck. We both hold growth as one of our central values, and when the going got tough, as it always will in any honest, long-term relationship, we sought help. Both couple and individual therapy, alongside many other modalities, helped up to confront our trauma places and continue to grow toward each other. And, because we both value growth, the work will continue for the rest of our lives.
In fact, Daev’s commitment to growth is one of the things I love most about him. He’s an avid reader, a spiritual seeker, a lifelong learner. Not only is he willing to grow emotionally, but when he alights on a topic that ignites his mind, he’ll read about it endlessly and bring these topics of conversation to our family. Like the trees that we’re both fascinated by on our land, the mindset and value of growth lives at the very center of our marriage, intwining the two of us and our boys in a web of connection.
How else do I love my husband?
His willingness to grow is only one of the many ways I love my husband. Oh, let me count the ways…
I love that he was willing to take an enormous risk by leaving his visual effects career when he was at the top of his game and move from Los Angeles to Colorado in 2006, when Everest, our older son, was two. The career transition was challenging (as transitions always are; we’ll be discussing this in more depth in our webinar this Wednesday, March 4th), but he was willing to do it anyway, for while he enjoyed certain aspects of his career, once Everest was born the 70-hour work weeks became intolerable; he didn’t want to be a dad who never saw his kids. (To listen to our episode on The Father Wound, where Daev discusses his painful relationship with his own absent father, click here.) This courageous act set into motion an entirely new life for us, one woven by another shared value: to raise our sons together and create a truly shared life.
I love his steadfast commitment to being an involved father, which includes working on his own patterns so that he can support his sons’ dreams. For example, when I first floated the idea of allowing Everest to learn how to fly when he was thirteen, every inherited fear rose to the surface, but he didn’t let that stop him from supporting the idea. No matter what our sons express interest in, even when it’s vastly different from anything we’ve been exposed to (like the military), Daev has thrown himself full throttle into learning everything he can about it.
I love that he takes good care of his body and that he’s been willing to accept influence from me about the importance of healthy eating. His hard work is paying off: as I’m writing these words he’s outside cleaning the yard wearing a white tank top and jeans and, well, all I can say is: he’s one sexy sixty-year old! (And also… I love how lovingly he takes care of our yard.)
Speaking of bodies, I love the way he makes me feel like I’m perpetually thirty years old, and seems not to notice my aging processes.
I love his humor. When I was in a more closed-hearted state in the early years of our marriage I couldn’t see his humor (which still blows my mind). He is literally the funniest person in the world (to me, anyway :)).
I love his humility. You would never know he has an Emmy stashed underneath his desk. You’d never know he has a Bachelor’s in Fine Arts, two Master’s Degree, and is a licensed psychotherapist. You’d never know he created the fur for Aslan in The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, and the skin of the baby dragon Norbert in Harry Potter. That’s because he doesn’t lead with his accomplishments. He leads with his heart.
There are million other things I love about my husband, far too numerous to list here. But I think you get the picture :).
Introducing…
And now I’m thrilled to share him with you for the first time over Zoom. Victoria and I have done two Gathering Gold guest episodes with him, but those have only been audio. Now the three of us will gather by video to discuss some of our favorite topics: meaningful careers, dreams, and the emotional life of men. We very much hope to see you at the live event, which you can sign up for here, but if you can’t make it you’ll receive the audio recording afterwards.
I’ll end with the poem that inspired the title of this blog post.
How Do I Love Thee?
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death
Leave a Reply