Self-Leadership with Ruthie Zerai: How to Stop Living at the Mercy of Others

In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I chat with coach and consultant Ruthie about self-leadership–what it means to take full responsibility for managing yourself rather than deferring that power to others. We dig into how people pleasing, cultural conditioning, and performative behaviour (especially for those from marginalised backgrounds) can prevent us from leading ourselves authentically in work, relationships, and entrepreneurship.

Ruthie shares her journey from burnout to building a thriving coaching practice, and we explore how resentment is often a signpost emotion that shows us where we’ve forced ourselves into situations against our will. If you’ve ever felt like you’re living at the mercy of others’ decisions or struggling to find your authentic voice in work or life, this episode offers practical wisdom for reclaiming your power and coming home to yourself.

IN THIS EPISODE…

Self-leadership means taking responsibility for managing yourself rather than deferring that power to others. This involves setting boundaries, clarifying your values, and making active choices about your life rather than passively going along with external expectations.
Resentment is a signpost emotion that shows where you’ve forced yourself into situations. When resentment appears, it signals that you’ve told yourself you have no choice and have overridden your limits. Rather than focusing on feeling wronged, resentment should prompt you to examine where you need to reclaim your agency and say no, even when it feels uncomfortable in the moment.
Cultural conditioning and marginalised identities create additional layers of people-pleasing pressure. Children of immigrants, people of colour, and other marginalised groups often absorb messages about needing to work harder, be “good” representatives, and avoid negative stereotypes. This efforting style of people pleasing becomes performative and exhausting, requiring conscious work to separate authentic values from inherited conditioning.
Work cultures rely on people-pleasing behaviours to function, creating widespread burnout. Many companies depend on employees working beyond their job descriptions, staying late, and taking on responsibilities that aren’t theirs.
Entrepreneurship requires knowing what’s for you and what isn’t, not following someone else’s script. Working for yourself doesn’t automatically mean freedom if you replicate unhealthy patterns or perform at society’s idea of success.

LINKS MENTIONED AND RECOMMENDED RESOURCES

Ruthie Zerai’s website
Ruthie on Instagram | Ruthie on LinkedIn | Ruthie’s newsletter
Ruthie’s Zanta podcast
Ep. 282: ray Area Drinking and Our Relationship with Alcohol
Ep. 299 The Underdog Advantage: Breaking Cycles with Keeley Taverner
Ep. 242: But Will You Actually Get Into Trouble? (re the Age of Obedience)
When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress by Gabor Maté
Navigating the Relationship Escalator with Amy Gahran
Tamu Thomas who talks about being “a guide from the side”
The Joy of Saying No book
Burnout Report 2025 reveals generational divide in levels of stress and work absence (Mental Health UK)
Is it impossible to end burnout? (BBC)
Ep. 127: “Bark like a dog” and your ‘dating and relationship self’
Dealing With Our Resentment Toward a Loved One Creates Healthy Boundaries
Circular Disagreements and Why We Need to Stop Hoarding Our Resentments
More Authentic Yes is Great for Our Body’s Stress Levels
Finding Work Tough? It’s Not All On You (A Pep Talk)
Please Don’t Wait Around for People to Do the Right Thing by You
Being naive about ‘authority figures’ is a blind spot we need to clear up
12 Signs You’re Settling for Crumbs in your Relationships
Be What You Seek
Take responsibility for evolving your boundaries, not for other people’s behaviour
Ep. 260: Keeping It Real About What It Means to Take Responsibility
Reflections: Knowing Your Own Approval
Reflections: Knowing Your Own Love
The Importance of Holding Your Own in Dating & Relationships