In last week’s blog post I explored the question of “What is ‘Enough’ in Romantic Love?” One reader commented:
“The friendship conversation always triggers me. I can’t tell if I truly don’t like him, or if I’m seeing him through fear eyes. There are certainly things I do like about him, but other things that I don’t (and I can acknowledge that we won’t always like everything about our partners!). It’s so hard to tell which outweighs the other though, and if I’m just seeing his flaws magnified to a degree that distorts my perception of him. What are your thoughts on this?”
To which several other readers chimed in with the same question. Another reader, screenname Martina, shared more details about her relationship anxiety, to which I responded:
“It sounds like relationship anxiety, but there are often nuances that need attention.”
I knew as I was writing it that my response could be triggering, and sure enough, she wrote back:
“Thanks for replying Sheryl, but if I’m completely honest, your answer really spiked my anxiety. I know you said it sounds like relationship anxiety, but everything you said after that (the nuances that need attention, discerning fear from truth) really spiked my anxiety. Can I ask you what you mean by that?”
A Letter to the Anxious Mind
Here’s my response:
Dear Martina:
I can understand why my response spiked you. When people come to my work struggling with relationship anxiety, they’re hoping that I’ll respond with something along the lines of, “This is 100% relationship anxiety,” which translates to: “Your relationship is guaranteed to succeed.” Sadly, there are few things that are 100% in this life, and nobody can give you the stamp of guaranteed success. The anxious mind, with its need for black-and-white rules and mindsets, hates that!
One of the great invitations of relationship anxiety is to grow self-trust. That means knowing ourselves well enough to discern our core needs and values. You won’t get every need met, and not every value will be in alignment. But it’s up to you to discern which needs and values are non-negotiable and which ones you can bend on. We will all bend in relationships; that’s part of the formula for success. But only you can determine where you’re willing to compromise and where you’re not.
Another invitation is to learn to tolerate ambiguity and uncertainty. As with all forms of anxiety/OCD, the primary goal of the anxious mind is to gain certainty. But, again, there is nothing certain in this life, and least of all in relationships. This reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from Rainer Maria Rilke in his famous little book, Letters to a Young Poet (this is a particularly beautiful translation):
“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
So when I talk about nuance, what I mean is that, while you’re clearly struggling with relationship anxiety, there are likely other components at play that can only be resolved by knowing yourself and trusting yourself. Again, we all have non-negotiable needs in a relationship.
For one person, that need might be for their partner to abstain from all alcohol.
For another it might be that their partner is open to therapy or another form of self-help and personal growth. Only you know what you need and what is true for you.
As we’re growing our self trust, which hinges on self-knowledge (I’m glad to hear you’re in therapy), it helps to develop some tolerance for “I don’t know”. This is where “loving the questions themselves” comes in.
Let me be clear: There’s nothing in your comment that indicates you need to leave. You’re not describing red flags. You’re talking about aspects that you don’t absolutely love, which will show up in every relationship. The question is if these aspects are dealbreakers for you. Only you can answer that.
Remember, we’re not seeking 100% clarity when it comes to relationships. We’re not seeking a 100% match either. Because the perfect partner doesn’t exist, there are always going to be aspects that we will compromise on. An 80% match where most of our important needs are met, where there’s a foundation of connection and friendship, where both people are willing to learn and grow, and where core values are aligned is gold.
To summarize, the key pieces to focus on are: growing self-trust so you can discern your true needs and values; and learning to tolerate ambiguity. The most illuminating sentence in your first comment is:
“I struggle a lot with ambivalence and I really suffer and feel guilty if I don’t like something about my partner.”
There’s your growing edge, Martina. At the end of the day, it’s really the growing edge for most of us: How do we tolerate uncertainty and ambivalence? It’s so easy to project it onto our partner, but the work is ours and it will show up with any available partner. In truth, it’s the work of a lifetime, and one worthy of our attention.
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